


Before Our Spring

by luna_ren_creations



Category: SHINee
Genre: F/M, Fanfiction, Healing, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned SHINee Ensemble, RIP Kim Jonghyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 18:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17709479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_ren_creations/pseuds/luna_ren_creations
Summary: A Year has passed since Kim Jonghyun passed away and long time friend and childhood friend of Taemin, Oh Minyu hasn't been handling it well. After running from her grief, she decides to return home to Seoul a year later to reconnect with her past and try to heal.





	1. 12 Months

**Author's Note:**

> Hi... I understand this is a sensitive topic to write for, but I find it very healing for me, personally. I've been dealing with my own emotions with all of this as of late, it just sometimes hits me out of the blue and I just want to bawl my eyes out. I'm not in any way going to romanticize suicide in this story, in fact I'm showing the effects it has on loved ones. I understand though if you don't feel comfortable reading this, but if you do, I hope in some way this helps you heal too. (Also I am still finishing Etreavia and Romeo Save Me will be going up soon as well).

**12 Months**

 

****

_"I'm gonna get you!" He shouted with glee, chasing the girl down the hall as she cackled loudly, holding his ball cap above her head like a trophy._

_"Gotta catch me first, loser!" She sang, barrelling into the nearest bedroom and hopping onto the bed. Her mistake was, that she was now entirely cornered. He came at her, fingers ready to tickle and she knew she was finished._

_"Ah! No! Please!" She squealed, as he pounced on her, laughing his head off._

_"What the...?" Another appeared in the doorway, followed by yet another boy._

_"What do you expect? They're made for one another." The younger shrugged, with a smirk._

_"Uncle! Uncle!" The girl laughed as the hat was returned to its rightful owner. Finally being released from her tickle attack, she sat up._

_"You're crazy." She smirked, pushing her friend off the bed._

_"You're crazier." He poked his tongue out at her in return._

_"You're both nuts." Their friend laughed, leaving the doorway, leaving the younger standing and just shaking his head amused at the two of them._

_"What?" The girl asked, innocently._

_"Oh nothing." Nothing indeed. While she was his best friend since they were kids, all 4 boys had money on setting taking off between the hat thief and her victim. God knew they flirted like nobody's business and knew each other inside and out... But it never would be._

 

 

*****

 

 

Minyu woke up with tears running down her cheeks. Silent traffic noises filled her ears as she swiped at her wet cheeks.

"Forget it. It was a dream." She bitterly thought, checking the time on her phone. It was barely past 5 am. But it wasn't really a dream. Just another random memory. A memory of a time she wanted to forget had ever happened. But how did one erase 10 years? Sighing, she pulled herself out of bed and to the bathroom where she regarded her reflection in the mirror. How was it December again? How could nearly one year have passed already? Shuffling to the kitchen, Minyu took a mug down from her shelf. Twelve months. It was hard to believe that was all a year took. Twelve months since... Minyu inhaled sharply and the mug slipped from her grasp, shattering onto the floor. The noise startled her, even though she consciously knew she'd dropped the object. Tears blinded her vision as she stooped to pick up the pieces, trying to blot out the rushing memories from her head. The phone call, Sodam in hysterics, Taemin in hysterics, Minho collapsing, how Jinki's usually cheerful face reflecting pain and solemn, quiet heartache, Kibum completely shutting down... The funeral... The pain still felt raw, like her heart had been sliced open with a blade. Even a year later, it was still there. Minyu thought moving away would help. She left everything. Everybody. Packed up and just left, moving her life from Seoul to Tokyo. She cut off all contact with her friends, only kept minimal with her family and just tried to heal. It wasn't working. A year later, Minyu was working in a cafe to pay her rent. She'd been an artist, very talented in pencil sketches and cartoons, hoping to become a cartoonist. She'd gone to college for it and everything. And now what was she? She hadn't even drawn in months. She felt like a different person, maybe even the shell of the person she used to be. It was silly really to think she could ever move on from who she was or who her friends were. Their faces were everywhere. With The Story of Light, their solo projects... Minyu sometimes wondered why no one bothered to try and contact her, until she remembered that she'd asked them not to in her parting message. She hadn't even the heart to say goodbye in person. In some ways, she felt guilty for that. As she carried out her day, her mind was definitely elsewhere. She'd had dreams of him, of them before... But this time it was different. It lingered. The memories lingered. It was hard to fake a smile and be nice to customers when all she wanted to do was throw things and scream and cry. She hit her breaking point when 3 girls sitting nearby got into a discussion about SHINee.

"I listened to Jonghyun's last album last night. I bawled my eyes out. The last song really gets you. Makes you wonder why nobody knew what he was really going through. Maybe someone could have saved him..." Minyu felt like she suddenly couldn't breathe, behind the counter. She tried to busy herself with pouring sugar into jars as her mind threw her back a year. It was only later she'd noticed he'd gotten bad again. But by then it was too late. She'd been out with her parents when Sodam called her, leaving her phone at home by accident. Her voicemail was frantic, begging Minyu to go check on her brother as no one had heard from him in several hours. By the time Minyu got the voicemail, she was getting a different call from Sodam. It was too late. No. No, no, no, no... He'd been fine! They'd been together only days ago and he'd given her a pretty necklace. But then it hit her. He was saying goodbye. Her hand instinctively went to her throat, where the pearl encased charm laid against her collarbone. Hot tears stung her eyes and she had to set down the sugar dish and hurry to the bathroom. She locked herself inside whole the fat, hot tears rolled down her cheeks. It was a bad day. As she muffled her sobs in the palms of her hands, Minyu felt completely lost. Maybe escaping everything and everybody wasn't the answer. She needed help, she needed comfort even nearly a year later. It seemed she was on autopilot then, leaving the bathroom and informing her boss she wouldn't be coming back, that she had to return to Korea. By the end of the week, she was on a plane home. Part of her wanted to keep running, but subconsciously she knew that running would get her nowhere. It was early evening when she got Incheon. She didn't even tell her mom and dad she was coming home. She had to make sure she wasn't going to run back to Tokyo if it was too much for her. She'd spent her life in Seoul and a huge chunk of it was with her boys. Her mother never understood why she chose Taemin as a playmate in the first place, as he was as she worded it "a bit of an odd child" and maybe he was, but Minyu liked him. They met through school and just stuck. From 5 year olds to 24 year olds, they were through hell and back together. Until a year ago anyway. Minyu met the other 4 just after they debuted and she became smitten with Jonghyun in a heartbeat. The others were dear to her as well, but it was like she and Jonghyun shared a mind. They were just kids back then. Dumb, carefree, silly kids. It was really hard as Minyu's cab drove her through the city streets. Memories threatened to surge forth as she headed for her childhood home. The house itself was filled with so many memories. She was an only child, the boys quickly becoming her brothers. Later on, Sodam, Jonghyun's sister became a friend too... Minyu couldn't allow her mind to go there. As she paid the driver and thanked him, she knocked twice on the front door and opened it.

"Mom? Dad?" She called, slightly nervous. She hadn't spoken to them in a month at least. She heard footsteps and her mother appeared out of the kitchen.

"Minyu?!" She cried, running forward and enveloping her daughter in a tight hug. Minyu fought tears.

"Surprise." She replied, softly.

"Wait till your father gets in, he'll be thrilled. Are you visiting?" Her mother chirped.

"Um no... I'm back to stay. Tokyo wasn't...working out. Is it alright if I stay here while I look for a place?" She answered, a little sheepishly.

"Of course, dear! We'd be lucky to have you stay with us for a while. Come, let's put your things in your old bedroom." Her mother eagerly replied. She had to chuckle at her mother's enthusiasm. Getting past the front door was hard enough, her bedroom was worse. Her photos still adorned her walls, marking memories she didn't want to bring up. Her eyes landed on her favourite photo of her and Jonghyun and she pinched her eyes shut, trying to collect herself.

"Thanks mom. I'm good from here..." Her voice came out ragged and her mother followed her gaze.

"Oh sweetie... I'm sorry I ... We should've taken those down." She panicked.

"N-no... It's fine." Minyu whispered. Before she knew what she was doing, she spun on her heel and walked out of the room, muttering that she was going for a walk.

"This was a mistake..." She thought, as tears blurred her vision. The cold December air made her zip up her coat higher and pull her hat further down her head. His smiling eyes bored into her brain, the way his arm was slung around her in the photo. It was two years ago in the summertime. The gang had all gone to Lotte World together for the day and she and Jonghyun had a bet going on who could do the most rides without feeling sick. He'd won her a giant teddy bear that day too. That bear had been held so tight the day the call came. That bear had been cried on and even slept with in the days following. And now... It lay at the back of her closet in a fools attempt to forget. The photo was intended to be a selfie, only he jumped into the frame at the last second, smooshing the sides of their faces together. Minyu's laugh in it was genuine. Hot tears warmed up her cold cheeks as her feet took her in the direction of one place. Her mind kept telling her to run away, but she kept moving forward. She wasn't even sure what her reception would be. She had kind of left him without so much as a goodbye, told him to not call or text. It was a nice building, which made sense since he was rich and everything. But in hind sight, Minyu didn't even know if he lived there anymore, or if he would even be in. He could've been off god knows where on tour for all she knew. Being close friends with an idol group was difficult, because they were busy a lot, but when Minyu couldn't work her schedule around them to tag along, she stayed up to date via Skype and text. And they were never, ever too busy for her. When she got to the building, she scanned the registry and found his name. He still lived there. Going up to the lobby desk, she politely asked the man behind the counter if he knew of Lee Taemin was at home.

"I haven't seen him leave." Was his reply. Hope as well as anxiety swirled through her as she got into the elevator and punched the 7 button with her thumb. When she got to the floor, she suddenly felt very tongue tied. She had no clue what she was going to say to him, the boy she used to tell everything to. Would he be mad? Would he turn her away? Only one way to find out. She stopped in front of his door and hesitantly raised her hand to knock on the door. It felt foreign, she'd maybe knocked on his door once since he lived there. She was about to chicken out and walk away, when the door swung open and a half awake Taemin appeared in the doorway. He blinked a few time, before he really saw who was standing in front of him.

“Minyu?” He asked, in disbelief. Everything Minyu had attempted to say just all caught in the back of her throat.

“H-hi…” She finally got out of her mouth. Somehow, he just knew what to do. He knew her the best and knew she was deeply troubled. He knew it hadn’t have been easy for her to come all this way. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his best friend, holding her tight. It was then that she finally lost her resolve and burst into tears.

“I-I’m sorry…” She sobbed against his chest, clutching onto the fabric of his shirt like it was the only thing holding her from dashing to a million pieces. Sorry for what? Taemin didn’t even bother to ask. He was just glad Minyu was finally home. He’d initially been hurt when she just took off a year ago. The aftermath of Jonghyun’s loss was monumental. Taemin though, knew Minyu heavily blamed herself. His sister knew something was wrong that day. Had Minyu had her phone… It wasn’t even worth wishing to turn back time. It was futile. Taemin wordlessly picked up his friend, and carried her inside, setting her on the couch. She allowed him to let go of her as he went to get her a glass of water. When he returned, she sat, her knees drawn to chest, staring off into space. He set the glass down on the table in front of her and sat next to her.

“When did you get in?” He started with a basic enough question, for someone he hadn’t seen in nearly a year. Christmas the year before hadn’t even been observed, by any of them. It was after Christmas that Minyu left.

“Today.” She replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

“To visit?” Taemin could hear the clock on the wall in the hallway ticking, that’s how quiet it was. Minyu shook her head.

“I left Tokyo. I couldn’t…” She bowed her head. A shaky sigh escaped her lips.

“I tried. I tried to forget, to move on… become someone new. B-but I couldn’t. It’s been a year, Taemin. A year and I still feel like my heart is in pieces. And I don’t know what to do anymore…” He paused, wondering if he should say what he wanted to. This was the first time Minyu was pouring out her actual emotions over it all, besides her initial reaction. She’d been in hysterical denial, until Jinki actually had to physically restrain her.

_Minyu ran through the doors of the emergency room, her heart pounding so hard she thought it might burst. She felt both faint and ill at the same time. Jonghyun’s parents were there, Sodam, Jinki, Minho, Kibum and_

_“Tae…” She sobbed, running to her best friend. He pulled her close, sobbing into her hair._

_“He’s not gone… he’s not …no, it’s not true! It’s not true!” She freaked, her breaths coming in hysterical gulps for air. She pushed herself from his grasp, feeling the room spin. She wanted to run through the doors beyond the doctor who had just delivered the news that Minyu did not want to believe. He wasn’t gone, he couldn’t be gone. He had to be beyond those doors, this was just a horrid nightmare._

_“No!” She screamed, tearing at her hair and trying to run for the door. Jinki grabbed her then._

_“Let me go! Let me go!” She screamed, hysterically._

_“Minyu! He’s gone! Okay? He’s gone…” The first and only time the elder boy had yelled at her. She gave up then, sinking to the floor, a crying mess._

_“Call her parents.”_

“You loved him.” Taemin finally voiced his thoughts. Minyu looked to him then, the rims of her eyes red from crying.

“Of course I did, everyone did…” She whispered. He paused again.

“You loved him.” He repeated, slower. Minyu’s hand went for her throat again, her fingers closing around her necklace.  He’d nearly kissed her that day. Something had stopped him and Minyu wondered if it was because he knew he’d never see it through. He’d already made up his mind then. His demons had won. Another broken sob escaped her lips and Taemin pulled her into his arms again. Before Minyu even knew it, she’d cried herself to sleep.

 

 


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still having a hard time, Minyu accepts an invitation to visit with her friends, the other boys of SHINee. Minyu remembers a few silly memories and what she felt like a year ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter. I cried a little whie writing it.

**Memories:**

When Minyu opened her eyes, she was on a couch, covered by a thick blanket. Sitting up, it took her a while to remember where she was and why. When Taemin appeared with 2 mugs of coffee, she remembered it all and suddenly felt both hollow and guilty. She had no idea where he was in the recovery process, if her just opening the floodgates on him after no contact for 12 months had screwed with him at all or not.

“You’re awake.” Taemin’s sentence sounded more like an observation than anything else.

“I stayed over… sorry.” Minyu responded, quietly.

“Don’t even worry about it. I wasn’t about to kick you out, or anything.” He cracked a mild joke, but Minyu couldn’t even smile. She merely accepted the cup of coffee and sighed.

“I feel so stupid.” She said, staring down into her cup.

“Why?” Came the obvious question. She looked up.

“Because I just showed up on your doorstep after a year and dumped my emotional baggage all over you.” Well yeah, but she was his best friend. She could’ve shown up after a year and said she’d killed someone and he’d still have let her in.

“You needed to. You’ve been bottling everything up inside for a year now. So don’t feel stupid, everyone deals with this in their own way, I mean I’m still dealing with it. you weren’t ready to talk then, pour your heart out, you are now. It’s okay.” He assured her, softly. Her eyes grew misty again.

“You’re something, you know?” He smiled.

“I’ve heard that.”

******

Taemin wasn’t about to force Minyu to talk more, he knew she would when she felt comfortable. Truth be told, he was grateful she’d returned at long last. Not having her around during those first few months was hell itself, but he never would’ve gotten through it all without his members and family. After breakfast, Taemin dropped Minyu off at her parents’ house, with the promise that he’d be back in an hour or so, so they could go meet up with the boys ‘if she was up to it’. Her first thought was no, but she agreed anyway. Her father was home, greeting her warmly. Both parents wondered where she’d been all night, but when she told them she slept at Taemin’s they shared a look. Minyu was a grown woman, she could do what she pleased, but it wasn’t what her parents thought. She wasn’t in love with him, not in that way. Minyu was certain she’d never love again. It just hurt too much. After showering and putting on fresh clothes she hadn’t travelled and slept in, Minyu felt a little better. The photos were still up in her room, making her feel like she wanted to cry again, but she couldn’t take them down. As her gaze found her favourite photo again, she could almost hear his voice.

_“What’s got you so down?”_

_“You.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because you’re gone. And I miss you.”_

_“Well, I’m still with you, you know. And I always will be… if you let me.”_

_“But you’re not here… I want you here.”_

_“Just look inside your heart. I’m there. I always was.”_

Minyu was snapped out of her daze by her phone buzzing.

**Taemin: Out front if you’re ready**

Sighing heavily, she stood from the bed and went downstairs.

“Going out again?” Her father asked, from nearby where he was working on a crossword at the table.

“Yeah. I’m going to see the boys. Catch up a little.” Minyu responded, quietly. He looked up at her and smiled.

“Have a nice time. Will you be back for dinner?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. I’ll let you know.” Leaving the front door, Minyu wound her scarf around her neck loosely and walked to Taemin’s waiting car. It must’ve been new, she didn’t recognize it. she opened the door and he smiled.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She parroted back, sliding into the passenger seat.

“How you doing?” What a loaded question.

“Alright.” She shrugged. He reached across and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. She felt her eyes well up again, but wouldn’t let the tears fall.

“So where are we going?” She asked.

“To the dorms. Most of them have been staying there recently, just it’s easier given their sporadic schedules. They know you’re coming though so they should all be there.” The dorms. So much of Minyu’s young adult life had been spent there. Lest she freaked out and ran back into her parents’ house, she tried to screw her head on straight and forced a smile on her face.

“It’ll be great to see them.”

*******

The dorms looked about the same, I mean it had essentially only been a year, how much could a building change in a year? The hard part laid in what the building held. Minyu’s nails were cutting into the palms of her hands as she entered.

“Hello? She’s here, guys!” Taemin called, closing the door behind them. Kibum was he first to appear.

“Minyu!” He cried, diving to her, arms open. She laughed, accepting his hug.

“Hi Key… how have you been?” She asked him.

“Fantastic now that you’re here.” He beamed.

“Minyu’s in the house!” Another voice exclaimed, Minho charging down the hallway.

“Yes she is! And it’s been too long. Hi Minho… I missed you.” She smiled, actually feeling better seeing her old buddies.

“So it wasn’t a trick, eh Taemin?” Jinki came last, walking down the same hallway to the doorway.

“Would I kid you? She turned up on my doorstep out of the blue last night. I’m still as surprised as I was then.” Minyu accepted the eldest’s warm hug, feeling hot tears well in her eyes again at his words.

“Welcome home.”

“Thanks. Tokyo didn’t feel like home.” She admitted.

“Tokyo? Is that where you ended up? I didn’t know you could understand Japanese so well.” Minho asked. Well it was true, she didn’t recall ever telling anyone but her parents where she was going.

“Kibummie taught me, remember? I’d have been lost there if not for him.” She opted to make a small joke. Minho just turned around and lightly swatted his member.

“What’d you do that for? Had she not known Japanese, she’d have stayed.” It was purely a joke, but Minyu could sense some seriousness behind his statement. She paused, as all eyes were on her. She half expected Jonghyun to come running down that hallway too, as he’d done for years.

_Minnie!!” He’d shout, sliding to a stop in front of her as he’d throw his arms around her and lift her off the ground, though she was maybe an inch shorter than him._

_“Put me down you weirdo!” She’d laugh. He’d laugh too, finally letting go of her, his eyes shining._

_“I missed you.”_

“I-I’m sorry I took off like I did. I realize now it wasn’t fair to you all.” She apologized, softly.

“Oh, no Minyu, I was just joking.” Minho assured, eyes wide, thinking he’d upset her. She nodded.

“I know, but still… I was only thinking of myself then.” She started pulling at her fingers, something she did when she was anxious. She dipped her head, trying hard not to cry again, when four pairs off arms wrapped around her, cocooning her in a group hug. No words were spoken, they all just held her as she lost her resolve and let her tears fall.

********

_Grief was a weird thing. No two people who went through the same loss came out of it the same. Nobody dealt with the pain the same. Minyu had been feeling quite zombie like since the hospital. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat… she’d stare at the wall for hours when she wasn’t with the boys. They seemed to stick together a lot though, in the days following, as funeral preparations were made. The funeral home was a magnet for grieving fans showing up to pay their respects. Minyu had arrived early with the rest of the boys and her parents, his parents, Sodam and his other relatives. It lasted 3 days, lots of celebrities showed up to also pay their respects but Minyu was too distraught to even consider being somewhat starstruck. A separate funeral was held later, just for family and friends. That one was probably the hardest. Not to mention his burial day. That’s when she finally lost it again. It just hit her that he was actually gone. That this wasn’t all just some terrible nightmare. Poor Taemin held her at the gravesite, as she sobbed, trying his best to comfort her, when he too was a mess._

Minyu rallied, finally letting herself chat with her old friends. She hated that sometimes she’d be fine, others she’d be an emotional mess, but that was to be expected. And she had to learn that it was okay. She told some funny stories about life in Tokyo, they shared some with her about their year and soon enough, they began reminiscing about the good old days. The Ring Ding Dong era, the cringe worthy commercials and outfits.

“And we complain about the 90s.” Minyu chuckled, sitting back on the couch. She’d been at countless of their shows over the years, award shows, you name it. She was always their number one fan.

“Okay but for real, what the hell was supposed to be around your neck in the Sherlock promos? It’s been 6 years and I still don’t know.” Minho laughed to Taemin.

“Hey, I didn’t choose it.” Minyu chuckled, getting up to go to the bathroom. She knew that place inside out and backwards, so knew who’s room was right across from it. The door was shut, unlike the others who’s door were open or slightly open. She didn’t know what came over her, but she walked to the closed door and turned the knob, gently swinging it open. When the familiar scent hit her, she inhaled sharply, and wanted to leave, but didn’t. Why did he always smell like home? His room lay untouched, the surfaces were covered in dust. His bed was made, the floor clean. She stood in the centre of the room, staring at the walls.

_“Rise and shine, sleepyhead!!” Minyu sang, bounding into his room at 6 am in festive leggings, a hoodie and a Santa hat. A less than awake groan followed, as she pounced on the bed._

_“Sleeping…” He muttered._

_“No you’re not! Come on, get up! It’s Christmas!” She exclaimed excitedly, whipping the covers back._

_“How old are you?” He whined, pulling himself up into a sitting position, his hair all wild from sleep._

_“C’mon don’t be such a grouch. You have to help me wake the others up.” She jokingly pouted, poking his nose. He suddenly brightened, his dark eyes shimmering with mischief._

_“Fine… if you’ll be my steed.” He hinted. So there they were, Minyu riding piggyback on Jonghyun, as they ran up and down the halls, loudly singing Christmas carols. Kibum even chased them that morning, for waking him up. Minyu could still hear the laughter._

It felt like a whole lifetime ago.

“Hey, there you are.” A voice made her jump and she turned to see Jinki. She swallowed hard, blinking back more tears.

“Sorry… I just…” She trailed off. He nodded though, understanding.

“I shouldn’t be in here. Where were we? Taemin’s fashion disasters?” She hurriedly responded, turning to leave past him. He stopped her though.

“You’re still hurting. It’s okay, you know.” Minyu drew a shaky breath.

“I’m fine.” She whispered. Jinki’s soft, knowing eyes stared into hers, before he walked into the room and pulled out the top drawer of Jonghyun’s desk.

“He left letters. You were gone before we found them or even knew how to get yours to you. It’s been here since then. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. I just remembered it was still here.” He said, handing the envelope to her. Her shaky hand took it. it was crisp and white, with her name written on it. Part of her wanted to rip it up and throw it out the window, for a reason she couldn’t identify, but she took it and tucked it in her back pocket. Finally forcing herself to leave the room, Jinki gave her a small smile.

“How do you feel about an early dinner?” He asked.


End file.
